First let me give a little background as to where I am currently at...
Im 37 yrs old and going through divorce...mediation is to take place on 12/23 so I have ample amounts of stress due to that. I have 4 amazing kids 2 girls (12, 4 yrs old) and 2 boys (10, 8 yrs old). My oldest is going through a lot right now and has been cutting to deal with her own issues. My 10 yr old has ADHD and has been having a rough time due to med changes. I have just completed 18 months of school to get an AS degree in Medical Assisting while taking care of my parents.
Now...to the reason I am here. I moved in with my parents in April 2012 to take care of my mom who was about to have lumbar fusion surgery. That was difficult...being up and down with her every night due to pain. My father has dementia after he had surgery 3 yrs ago to remove his prostate after being diagnosed with prostate cancer, so he was unable to help me.
My dads dementia is now moderate. His short term memory is about 5 mins...anything longer and its gone.
My moms health has been bad since her surgery last year. Ive had her hospitalized a few times since August. Pheumonia, C-diff, DVT, and she was diagnosed with 3rd stage squamous cell carcinoma of the rectum in October. Her anxiety and depression has gotten the best of her. She refuses to get help with both unless her family Dr is the one prescribing the meds.
This is my first go around with cancer. Ive never been close to anyone with it as an adult. Monday she starts chemo and radiation. Her chemo will be continuous for 5 days at home and radiation daily. She is so scared and her fear leads to her getting inside of her own head and escalating her anxiety and depression to mind boggling heights.
My father hasnt taken his meds in over a week, doesnt want to eat due to no appetite and since hes not taking his meds, he doesnt get his megace which stimulates his appetite. Hes not hydrating well either, and is completely incontinent and has a bad habit of literally digging feces out of his rear end.
Mom doesnt want him to go to a nursing home, but she is always so frustrated with his bad habits and refusing to help around the house. Its a nasty cycle between them. She has agreed to let me have him put in rehab so she can focus on her own health. I am both relieved and sad. I love my father so much but I know that hes going to continue to decline at home. 4 yrs ago I was caregiver to my mother in law who had dementia and that was so hard. Now, its my own dad which makes it worse!
For my own emotional/physical well being, I am shutting off my emotions often. Especially when I am dealing with my mom. I kinda put myself on auto-pilot because I have to get through my days and if I get sucked into all the emotional drama then I will be no good to anyone...especially myself.
The issue is that even though my friends care and love me...they cannot relate. There are times when I vent on FB but Im not getting the feedback that I need.
There are days when I wake up in the morning and wonder how I made it through the previous day. I know things are about to get worse...I know my mom is going to be weak and maybe even physically sick. Im scared not only for her, but for myself. I just need to know Im not the only one whos going through this kind of insanity. Need to find a place where I can vent and there will be constructive support to help me cope when things get bad. Communication is very important to me, I have no issues with recognizing when I need help and asking for it.
Im hoping this is the place that can help me!!!