Where did my love go?
I met my wife and best friend 16 years ago. She was an intelligent, compassionate, attractive bundle of inspiration with a heart of pure gold.There was nothing that she would let stand in her way, no one that she wouldn't go out of her way to help if she could. I really loved that about her! How lucky I was to find such a great friend! I would do anything for her.
She was almost totally blind when we met. But I grew up in a great home with two great parents that also had poor vision so I was no stranger to the blind community. We quickly became the best of friends, spent hours just talking, went for walks while holding hands, and eventually so much more. She was my world, she was my inspiration, she was my everything.
She suffered from diabetes and seizures; yet I only ever witnessed one grand mal seizure. It scared me so much that I literally prayed to God to take them away as I knew it was the one thing that I didn't know how to deal with. Thank the Lord, he heard my prayers and she has never had another seizure again.
We dated for 5 years before I proposed and we were married that summer. That was the happiest day of my life. We had 2 years of newlywed bliss.
Then the roof of my dream life started to come down. Her kidneys were failing and she would need a transplant.
Luckily I turned out to be a good enough match that she could have one of my kidneys. Without question I said, of course she could have one of my kidneys! What would I not give up to keep my best friend and partner with me?
The kidney transplant was a success and some time later followed a successful pancreas transplant for the diabetes. The promise of no more insulin needles and a strong healthy kidney was the perfect fix for what looked like a little bump in our quality of life. Just a little test of our commitment to each other.
Unfortunately, from there it has been one problem after another. Too many bouts of pneumonia to count. One Infection after another, blood tests, doctor visits, drug interactions, side effects, and dozens and dozens of long, lonely, stressful hospital stays.
I have literally lost my best friend and partner to her many health problems. Which now includes blindness, diabetes, severe edema, infertility, migraines, asthma, renal failure, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, atrial fib, severe nerve damage, severe weight gain, constant infections, sleep apnea, diminished lung capacity, arthritis, fibromyalgia, bladder problems, and gastroparesis.
The relationship which was once filled with normal daily life, wonderful romance, intimacy, dreams and hopes for the future, dreams of having children together, and the dream of growing old and happy together is now a constant daily grind of checking to see if she is ok or needs help, ordering and picking up medications from the store, traveling back and forth to doctors, hospitals and rehab centers, finding a friend or a family member (that can drive) to take her to a doctor when I can't get away from work, pushing a wheelchair, setting up oxygen, setting up a multitude of pills, ointments, inhalers, cpap machines, administering feeding tubes, iv's, dealing with doctors, nurses, nurses aids, rehab facilities and the insurance companies, doing all of the finances, all of the cleaning, all of the laundry, all of the grocery shopping, all of the cooking, feeding the pets, doing all of the household chores, constantly catering to her every need on top of working a full time job to pay for the constant barrage of outrageous medical bills and to keep a roof over our heads.
The person that I loved so much and wanted to spend the rest of my life with is now no longer with me, someone or something took her from me a long time ago when I wasn't looking. All I have left are a few pictures to remind me of a time when we were happy. In her place I was given another person to take care of. Someone that on rare occasions resembles the wonderful friend and partner that I loved and miss so much. But the passion is gone. No intimacy. No cuddling on the couch to watch our favorite movies or to listen to our favorite audiobooks. No saturday nights out. No holding hands as we walk together. No sharing of dreams. No romantic slow dancing to our favorite songs. No children to raise together. No hopes of ever having a son to carry on my name. No hopes of a daughter to pamper and love. No holidays with family to look forward to, No grandchildren to spoil someday.
Yes, I'm still dedicated to taking care of her. Yes, I will do my best to make her happy and comfortable. Yes, I know that none of this has been her fault, and Yes, there is still a kind of love there, but the depression, pain, fatigue, feelings of being overwhelmed, loneliness, and the need to feel real love again are never ending for me. I can't move on, I can't abandon her, and I can't get free. As I said, I would do anything for her.
What happened to my life?
What happened to my hopes and dreams?
Why do I feel so empty?
How long can I keep this up?
What did I do to deserve this?
What did she do to deserve this?
Why do I feel so guilty?
Why do I feel so alone?
Who do I have for me?
Where did my love go?