I might as well introduce myself. You can call me Alexander. I live in Idaho and I'm 26 years old.
Right now it's Halloween night, my absolutely favorite holiday, but while all my friends are going out to have fun, I'm once again at home spending it like any other day. This now the fifth Halloween in a row I've had to stay home.
I'm the only caregiver for my partially disabled, diabetic, depressive Mom. I'm an only child, my Dad left 2 years ago and most of my family are too busy/selfish to help me out. I've been in college for several years, as I've had to retake multiple classes from absences, because I've had to stay home. I'm in trouble with my boss at my part-time job a lot as I've had to suddenly miss work. My friendships are starting to be strained, because they don't understand why "I'm hardly ever available" and quite frankly I'm starting to get bitter how they can just stay out as long as they want without worry. Romantic relationships are nonexistant, as most girls immediately become disinterested when they find out about my home situation. And in general I've found it harder to relate with other people, as my only social contact is in class or work.
I'm graduating this December, and I'm looking into work-at-home jobs, so I can be closer to my Mom and help her out. Awesome. But, I'm worried that pretty much guarantees I'm going to lose all contact with the world.
Understandably, I've been dealing with feelings of isolation. But, now I'm worried that anxiety is turning into resentment and bitterness. And that's the last thing I want. That's why I'm reaching out. I don't know what to do, and I'm tired of living vicariously through other people's lives on social media.
Hi Alexander.
I don't have time right now to address everything, but I want you to know there are people out here who care. The first thing you have to do is stop worrying about what other people are doing and what they think. You have been given an awesome respsonibility at a very young age and I'm afraid you are just going to have to brush all that aside and grow up much faster than your contemporaries will. It's a hard pill to swallow, but there it is.
I understand your isolation and social issues. I cared for my wife for 5 years until she recently died form cancer. Before that I was injured and laid up fro a while and she took care of me. Other than our jobs - which I did mostly from home for much of all that time - and a few loyal friends, we were our sole reliable companions.
I am sure there are people near you that can help both you and your mother. You both needs breaks from each other and they can help with that. You need help caring for her and they can help with that. And there is much more out there. If you are a man of faith, use it. If not, you may want to consider it and there are those who can help you with that. I'LL help you with that if I can. There is LOTS of help out there and there are LOTS of people that understand and are ready to be your friend and your lifeline. You just need to take a step back from the ledge and seek them out.
Be sure to answer back on here and let us know more about you. I'm sure someone else will be along soon that can offer you more specifics. In the meantime, use Google ask her doctor(s) about caregiver resources. Check with your local, city, county, and state agencies (start with their websites), if she or you have insurance or any kind of employee assistance, talk to them. They are not going to come find you. You HAVE to reach out to them.
Good luck and I'll check back on you soon.
SB
Welcome Alexander,You are a son to be proud of.
Our son was here constantly helping me with his dad who recently passed away from cancer.
Smedley's words are golden, and I agree with all that he's said.
My husband and I were going to move to Idaho this year but it wasn't meant to be. But I had looked up resourses in Idaho. There are visting nurses that will come into your home, there are companions that will come in and just spend time with your mom and/or with you. They are screened and have background checks done on them. There are churches that will reach out to you if you reach out and let them know you have a need. There are also support groups for people your age or close to your age that are caring for their parents.
Know that there are people that care. Like Smedley said, he will help,I will too,we are both reaching out to you, you are not alone. As for those friends that don't understand, believe me,I've been there, done that,so I know how that is. They can't understand that your mom is your first priority.I've dumped a couple of friends because of their negativity, I needed friends that were on the same page or at least understood where I was coming from.
Know that your life is not slipping by you ,you're just in a different place than your friends are.Keep coming back here, you came to the right place. God bless you
Alice
Smedley and Alice, thank you so much for responding. I'm so glad I found this forum to express myself / vent / get support. I will start off with my response by saying I ended up going out to a party for a bit on Halloween, cause my Mom felt okay enough for me to go out. So, perhaps I was a bit overdramatic yesterday, but a lot of my frustration comes from her health being so up and down. It's very hard to plan around. Or her depression kicks up, and she doesn't want me to leave. And of course I know deep down as she gets older, her health will worsen and she'll need me even more. (Let alone the pain of knowing she'll be gone. She's come very close to death a couple times already, and that level of pain is not something I can prepare for at all.)
I certainly know there are people who care. I feel I've become so focused on other people's lives, or that I'm an only child with a selfish family, that I lost focus on that there's help out there. I've always felt I was already more mature than other people my age. Even as a kid, I was called an old soul, cause I noticed things about the world most people don't. But yes, I agree it's still a hard pill to swallow, as the choice to do whatever I want has kinda been taken from me.
Thank Smedley again for your understanding. I am very sorry to hear about your own loss. I will admit my biggest hangup about girls is that I'd love to have a romantic companion by my own side helping me through all this. I hope that doesn't seem selfish. Also, not to selfish, but I agree I do need a break from my Mom sometimes. I mean, I'm pretty socially awkward anyways, so I'm actually okay not going out partying all the time. But, I do miss social interaction with friends and not having to keep making up excuses to not hang out. And of course every minute with my Mom is precious, since I know all too well her health could suddenly worsen and she's already stared death in the face twice.
But yes, I do feel like I am very well-deserved for a break. It's probably a huge contributor to my stress. Which might be why I have trouble sleeping, focusing, etc.
I certainly am a man of faith. I'm sure God put me into this position for a reason, but I haven't discovered/accepted it just yet. I do pray to Him for guidance. And I certainly know He listens, since He brought back my Mom twice.
I did a tiny bit of Google research. Idaho does provide caregiver support...BUT she has to be at least 60 years old. But, she turns that late next year, so we can get by until then. I just need to make sure I have a work-from-home job when I graduate. Especially since I'd assume a lot of help requires money in some way. (Something we've always been very short on.)
In response to Alice, I certainly have been called a son to be proud of, by my Mom and just about everyone who knows I'm in this position.
Idaho is a nice place to live. Though, not to get political, it can be a bit...conservative for my liking. And unfortunately it would seem that contributes to sometimes there not being much infrastructure for people in many different situations.
Anyways, I've stated before, I hope I can find a good job (preferably work-from-home) since my Mom's health insurance doesn't really cover at-home care. Basically, she'd have to pay all out of pocket, I think. The last time I brought it up a year ago, she was worried that I was trying to abandon her (her depression speaking).
Sorry if I sound pessimistic. I'm generally a very optimistic person. I've just grown a bit cynical by giving into this feeling of isolation, and being poor.
I have already cut some people out of my life. Though mostly cause they dragging me down into a negative place. Ironically, having to take care of my Mom has given me a good excuse to not hang out.
Thank you all so, so very much. :-)
Hi Alexander, first of all,you were not being overdramatic,isolation and frustration, gets to a person after a while.I also took care of my mom years ago and ,she was a very depressed person and she was afraid I would abandon her which I never did, so I understand. As you said, you are a man of faith, prayer is powerful as you know.(Sorry the mom in me came out for a minute there.) :) Do you have a home church? Getting help doesn't neccessarily mean spending money.Here are just some ideas and thoughts.In many churches there are women who will volunteer to make home visits,just to say hello and chat a bit. How open would your mom be to that? You wouldn't need to leave,just hang around and see how it works out. Does your mom have or had friends who she would spend time with? Are there any senior community centers nearby,or anything that caters to seniors? It doesn't even have to be a senior center,it could be someplace that would interest her.As her son, you would be the one who knows her best, her wants,her needs and her fears.What did she like to do? Her interests? I know she may not have any now,but it's something to think about. I don't mean to overwhelm you here, I apologize if I have. As an old soul think outside the box. You'll come up with something. :) Also you need to take care of yourself too. You agreed with Smedley that you need a break too,that's not being selfish.I've been told many times,that in order to take care of your loved one,you need to take care of yourself first.Spiritually,physically,emotionally, and mentally. Ok,kiddo,I will get off my soapbox now :D
Alice
Sorry for taking so long to reply. Yesterday my Mom and I got food poisoning...and let's just say I had a mess to clean up. Just another thing most people won't understand. Also, let me apologize if I sound negative. I'm usually a very positive person. Just kinda...overhwhelmed. I do try and pray everyday for guidance. But sometimes it can still be very overwhelming. I...I'm not sure how my Mom would feel bringing in church people she didn't know. She only really trusts me, and my Uncle that comes by about every other day to help with yardwork (since I'm mostly in the house). My Mom has friends...But they're always too busy with their own lives to help. Her interests were mostly centered on being inside the house, anyways. But I do know she feels terrible keeping me from having a social/romantic life. Most of my friends do understand. And the ones who don't, I don't think it was meant to work out, anyways. My Mom does go to bed early sometimes. But even when she doesn't, I spend a lot of time online on social media, watching movies/TV, reading comics or playing video games. They certainly help, but sometimes when I get to be outside/socializing, I realize how much I miss it.
Hi Alexander, You don't need to apologize for being negative,you are overwhelmed. I hope you and your mom are feeling better. if you look around at different posts on this site you will see a few people your age. There's one who is 26 and was a caregiver,she has a blog going at least she did at the beginning of the year,There is a face book page for young adult caregivers, it's worth a shot. Keep coming back here,you can get support here.There are people here willing to listen when you need a friend.We are here to support each other.:) It's a great place to be when you are feeling lonely.Keep talking,we're listening.
Alice
<p>Hey guys I'm new to the group. I guess I'll start off by introducing myself I am Kenny I am 26 and I am a caregiver to my fience who has Parkinson's. it has been very rough up until this point. We met about a year ago and everything was great until she lost her apartment so we decided to move into gether . Her desies has progressed quick for her this time last year her tremors were not as bad and we had a very good loveing relationship. And know she is just mean witch in turn makes me mean. I work all day pay the bills and she is just blank to me forces smiles says everything's okay. It is just frustrating mood swings never sure what I will wake up to. I love her with all my heart and I just don't know how to help her everything I do seems to get on her nurves. I know I'm not alone here and and I hope all of you know you are in my praris.</p>