My partner and I have been taking care of her mother for 10 months now since she came home from a memory care center. The doctors claimed she has dementia and required 'round the clock supervision and care. The state granted my partner full guardianship. Here's where it gets mind boggling. The mother and daughter have a VERY turbulent past. To say they do not love one another is an understatement. The mother has always been very manipulative, arrogant, condescending, and a know it all. The last few months she keeps insisting she can take care of herself and has made every attempt to get rid of us. Time for the grand finale ... recently (about a month ago) she starting visiting a neighbor and has been telling her many jaded stories. We had the last straw when earlier this week the neighbors daughter came over, woke us up out of bed, and started yelling at us claiming elder abuse. We called the cops within minutes of this transgression as did she. When the cop finally arrived my partner was the first to talk to him. After a brief but detailed conversation he approached the mother and neighbor who were across the street. The mother reconfirmed EVERYTHING that my partner had told the cop except for one big discrepancy ... she excluded every detail that made her (the mother) look bad. After a very long conversation with the mother and the neighbor the cop came back to the house. He looked around the house and was very confused. Not only was every detrimental thing she said about us a lie, but from the looks of the house she was being very well taken care of ... and we do. Going back to the mother being manipulative though. She asks for something, we buy it. She does nothing with it. Shes asks for a particular food, we buy it. She then claims she can't eat it (she has no teeth and refuses to wear her dentures which were very expensive). Two days ago she asked the neighbor to buy her a bunch of tv dinner lasagnas saying we don't buy them for her. We stopped buying them for her because she told us she couldn't chew them! We do EVERYTHING, short of wiping her a**, for her but there is never so much as a thank you or the smallest shred of gratitude! She combats us on everything sticking her nose up in the air at us when she doesn't like what we've suggested ... which is everything. We gave up our jobs and lives to take care of her. WE HAVE NOTHING! The point I'm trying to make is we don't believe she has dementia at all anymore. SHES GETTING SMARTER! Doing some serious research the last few weeks I've found a number of clues suggesting it is or was pseudodementia. For starters she was a severe alcoholic and chain smoker (still a chain smoker) before my partner and I intervened but, when the hospital did tests and scans they found absolutely no evidence of any damage to her liver or lungs. After her getting proper nuitrition for months and months it is possible to reverse alcohol related dementia if its caught soon enough. To top it off she has a bad hip and has for almost 20 years. For those almost 20 years she'd been taking Prednisone. My research concluded that steroids like that can lead to dementia as well but can be reversed within months after stopping the steroid (which we had). The psyche ward at the hospital we sent her to said they ran a CT and that it confirmed dementia but this was only a week after we brought her to the hospital. We never got to see that scan. I'm no doctor but I've seen enough of my own brain damage MRIs and CTs to know what I'm looking at. We are now having another doctor request such scans because we truly believe she manipulated us and the system to get us to be her personal slaves. She is and has always been that manipulative of a person. What do we do? We can't take it anymore. We are finishing up whatever half done projects we have at her house then signing her over as a ward to the state unless someone has a brilliant solution to this atrocious nightmare we are living. Since we have nothing to fall back on since we gave up our lives to care for her, we will become homeless after signing her life over to the state.
HI, I am brand new to this site. My mother was just diagnosed with Alzheimers and/or dementia, not sure yet. I just wanted to say that your situation, and the description of your partner's mother, sounds EXACTLY like mine!!!! Even down to where she puts her nose in the air when she doesn't like what I suggest for her to do, such as "wear your glasses so you can see"!! And, as much as I want to, my mom and I have really never gotten along, unfortunately, and I know it's going to get even worse. Those 2 words, "elder abuse" made me shiver....I would never do such a thing, nor you, but I could see how it could be misconstrued by a nosey neighbor or unhelpful or ungrateful family member. Gettomg along with mom over 60 years has not been easy (I even went away to college and never looked back! I live about 150 miles away; not too far, but far enough). But now, I truly dread from this point on. Crankiness, irritable, and, she treasts me like I am 12 years old still, so, how is she going to listen to me as she declines if she thinks I'm still a little girl. Anyway, I didn't mean to write this much; but your story really resonated with me. Best of luck to you and please avoid homelessness. Oh, that's another thing...I have been unemployed for 6 months. I'm on the edge of losing my condo because I can't find work. My mom refuses to help me and is threatening to take away my inhertance, and her home that I was supposed to inherit because shes needs the money for her future care. Oh my gosh....this is a horrible disease. My dad had Alzheimer's for about 12 years....yikes. Looks like I might be homeless here soon, as well. I hope hearing my sad story at least validates that "you two are not alone". We are in this together.
You have pretty much told MY story. I cannot have people over my house anymore, because my mother will tell them terrible things about me. Now every time I speak, she starts yelling at me that I am verbally abusing her and hollering at her, so I have essentially ceased speaking at all, except to the dog. And like your person, my mother was never a pleasant or kind human being, she abandoned my brother and I when we were 5 and 6, I am the oldest. Never really saw her again until I was a teenager. No one in the family will have anything to do with her, so I am all alone in this. I had a partner of 7 years, who left me shortly after my mother came (he claimed my mother was part of the reason he left), we had issues and we were working through them, but the stress and confusion my mother brought made everything worse. There have been times when i felt to just die is the only way to be free of this hell I am living in. I am so completely alone, now because I cannot have people or other family around, not even my own son, my son pulled into my driveway and my mother went off. He will have nothing to do with her either, so she hates him.
You have pretty much told MY story. I cannot have people over my house anymore, because my mother will tell them terrible things about me. Now every time I speak, she starts yelling at me that I am verbally abusing her and hollering at her, so I have essentially ceased speaking at all, except to the dog. And like your person, my mother was never a pleasant or kind human being, she abandoned my brother and I when we were 5 and 6, I am the oldest. Never really saw her again until I was a teenager. No one in the family will have anything to do with her, so I am all alone in this. I had a partner of 7 years, who left me shortly after my mother came (he claimed my mother was part of the reason he left), we had issues and we were working through them, but the stress and confusion my mother brought made everything worse. There have been times when i felt to just die is the only way to be free of this hell I am living in. I am so completely alone, now because I cannot have people or other family around, not even my own son, my son pulled into my driveway and my mother went off. He will have nothing to do with her either, so she hates him.
Hi, mchatmon.
I want to welcome you to the Care Community and thank you for sharing a bit about yourself and your caregiving situation. Caregiving can be stressful and difficult in the best of circumstances but having a difficult relationship with your loved one can make everything much more challenging – not to mention when those relationships impact our relationships with other family members or friends that we turn to for support. It can create distance and make us feel so isolated and alone. It is an aspect of caregiving that many reading your post could relate to, but it is something that is incredibly difficult to talk about.
Please continue to reach out to others as much as possible. I know you mentioned not being able to have folks over, but would something like a virtual support group be a possibility? Having a space to connect with other caregivers is not only important support but is often a place where caregivers feel more comfortable talking about issues they don’t know how to discuss with others they feel may not understand. Our Caregiver Help Desk is a great resource for help finding a support group or community that is a good option for you. All of the information you need to reach out to the Caregiver Help Desk can be found here. They are accessible via phone, e-mail or chat – you should see the phone, chat, and e-mail icons at the very top of the website, next to where it says Caregiver Help Desk. Their hours are Monday through Friday, 8AM to 7PM Eastern but you can reach out any time. If you reach out after hours, you’ll just be prompted to leave a voicemail or your chat message will be sent as an e-mail message and someone will respond to you within a business day or two.
Please take care of yourself and stay strong.
Nichole