Husband of care giver

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tomn
Husband of care giver

I have read some of the posts here and can relate to so much of what is posted. My wife's mother is 97 yrs old and has extreme dementia. She has lived with us for the past ten years and just prior to that my wife was a caregiver to her Dad and Aunt. And before any of this started my wife had stage 3 breast cancer. (she is doing great now). Basically she has been a caregiver to someone for the last 12 to 13 yrs and if you include her cancer, we have been "tied down" for the last 15 yrs.

We have been thru so much together with all of this but I am at my wits end. I do not want to go home anymore. The repeated questions all night long, the fighting between my wife and her Mom, the drama that ensues almost every night, not to mention the fact that even as empty nesters right now, our freedom to come and go is so limited. Even with her living with us every night for the last 10 yrs she has no memory of it and repeatly asks us to take her home, where is she? How did she get here?

My wife is so frustrated all the time, her energy is zapped every day and we have so little time alone to enjoy and enhance our marriage. My wife tries so hard to be a caring daughter, a caring Mom to our two boys, but because my strong personality, I end up in 3rd place, basically getting the scraps of her emotions. I often joke with her that if we had a dog I would be in 4th place.

I am so worried about her and the stress she is under, this level of care givng takes its toll on her health. Her Mom cannot be left alone in a room let alone the house. If my wife is not in her Mom's line of sight, she starts to call out for her.

I see no future anymore, other than the dementia, her Mom is in great health. As many of you are going thru very similar issues I am just reaching out for advice. We have been blessed with healthy finances yet we have not had a week long vacation in over 10 yrs. We get away for 1 or 2 or 3 nights at a time when we can. I am working on a plan to retire in 5 yrs or less yet I get so depressed thinking her Mom will still be an issue for us at 102 yrs old.

As many of you are aware, I have not even scratched the surface of all the issues, the drama, the frustration that occurs on a daily basis. I realize that i am only a periphrary caregiver but it takes is toll almost as much. I love my wife so much but I am not sure how much more of this i can take.

whitney429
whitney429's picture
I am sorry to hear the toll

I am sorry to hear the toll this is taking on you and your wife. I myself take care of my mother so i understand why to your wife there are no other options. With reguards to you not seeing a future it makes me very sad, In these circumstances we all llash out at people whom we know are strong enough to take it. frustration, anger and resentment fills my house and if i was 3rd to be loved I wouldnt know how to handle that, your wife probably feels the same way

KarenS
KarenS's picture
Have you spoke with your wife....

Have you sat down, and spoke to your wife seriously.  Told her exactly how it all makes you feel...  as you have on this site.  Who watches her Mom when you both leave for a few days.  Can they assist on a weekly bases, to get both of you out more.  What about a nursing home.