Thank you all for reading. I am at my wit's end. Here is the situation: Husband of over 30 years has stage 4 lung cancer, heavy chemo, wasn't supposed to live past three months after diagnosis 2.5 years ago. He was always active, played sports, did all the house maintenance, helped the neighbors ... a very active man.
When diagnosed after his lungs had filled with fluid, drained, and chemo started, he came home, sat down, and never really got back up again. He expects to be waited on hand and foot - I work 50+ hours a week, and then continue with "his projects". His favorite saying is "On Saturday, we need to fix the faucet in the garage and on Sunday, we need to fix the fence board that snapped." and so on, and on... every Saturday, after I come home from 2 or 3 hours at work and shopping for the week, he has projects lined up that "we" need to do. Mind you, he has not lifted a finger in 2.5 years, aside from getting himself whatever he needs from the fridge, and use the bathroom. He spends all day watching TV game shows and comedy... and when I get home at night, tired, still have to put up the dished, fix something quick for dinner, dust, or mop or do one chore towards keeping the place clean, he has to share every comedy show joke he remembers. When I ask him to please let me do my chores, so I can sit down and rest, he accuses me of nagging and tells me to either deal with it, or pack my sh**. "You're not the one dying of cancer, so until you get that privilege, shut up or move out," is another famous saying of his.
He never used to be like that. The morphine he is taking and the most recent chemo drug have made him senile, or I don't know what. He makes stupid comments, like after a day of work and house chores "you still have an hour to be productive, why don't you ...." (suggestion follows).
I used to want to become a nurse ... because I used to like to care for people - did it with my mom, my grandad, my uncle. They all were civilized people, dealt with the . meds like classy people, and held their heads high.
What am I supposed to do? He won't tolerate a caregiver - we had a very nice lady from social services come discuss the option, and she left after he let loose a tirade of cuss words and told her to get the h**** out of his house... I don't want to do that to others.
I have even played hookie from work and met with a friend just to get away - but in the back of my head is the sense of duty, that I am lying to everybody, and I don't enjoy myself at all.
Any comments appreciated - need help sorting this out, please. I am a strong self-help believer but I am in this rut that I can't see my situation from another perspective.
Thanks for reading all this!