Sibling caregiver struggles to relinquish care of elderly parents to hired home healthcare

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Sibling caregiver struggles to relinquish care of elderly parents to hired home healthcare

Hello ...

I'm new to the forum and hope to find some direction ...

For several years, a member of our family (sibling) has taken on the caregiving responsibilities for a spouse, a relative and our parents. This person goes from one caregiving role right into another and it seems to have become their identity. 

Recently, our mother's health has required hiring 24/7 home healthcare, with revolving staff whose schedule changes every few days.  This has proven to be very difficult for the former family caretaker because they must step away from the care and now manage the team.

Naturally, and rightly so, the best care and protocol by the home health agency caretakers is a priority. However, the former family caretaker seems to be hyper vigilant, keeping very tight privacy boundaries in the house and, thinks staff is eaves dropping on private conversations, becoming too friendly with other family members and unable to follow protocol. Their attitude and perception seems to border on the extreme and is an obvious control issue.

The sibling is the only one who lives near my parents, so they will be the one who'll eventually and ultimately must make the day to day decisions. However, I've (and others) have observed agency staff becoming frustrated by this sibling's micromanaging. We have some great agency caretakers but we're growing concerned this extreme attitude will drive qualified and caring staff away. In time, visiting family will leave and this is why, to a certain extent, we (the visiting siblings) should step back — but we can't because that's giving too much power to this sibling.  Other family has tried carefully and with compassion, to discuss the extreme reactions and micro managing, but the sibling wants things their very particular and meticulous way.

This situation is tough because we're dealing with someone who has lost their caretaking identity and handed it over to strangers. This has been their life for the past 10+ years and I've seen emotional outbursts, that to me, signal something deeper in this sibling's reactions.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? If you did, how did you work through this struggle? Should we just let this sibling take the reins or are there other ways to show the importance of moderation in managing and settle this without such a high level of sibling stress and discord among all the siblings.

Your suggestions and input would be so appreciated.