Hi,
I am new to this forum and glad to have found a place where I can vent and share with others going through similar issues.
My husband fell in November 2014 at age 51 and sustained serious injuries to his chest and pelvis that left him disabled with painful nerve damage. To make matters worse, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2018 and has had surgery and just completed 7 weeks of radiation.
The main issue is that he feels powerless and useless because has lost the ability to earn money and do many of the things he used to. There are many things he now needs me to do for him and around the house, which I do in addition to working a demanding full-time job with a 1 hour commute each way. He does tell me often how much he appreciates these things. But, sometimes he gets angry when I do something. Last night he got ridiculously angry with me because I did a load of laundry when I got home from work. He did not tell me he was planning to do it, but he says I should have known because he does the laundry most days. I guess he saw it as me taking away one of the few things he still has control over and I just saw it as doing a household chore that needed to be done.
This is just one example of him unleashing anger on me for something that I totally did not expect. Has anyone experienced anything similar? I am so frustrated and I'm not sure how much longer I can live like this.
Thanks for listening.
Yes, I have experienced this, this is my life (though it would never be over a load of laundry, it would never enter DH’s mind to do a load of laundry). He has always been very demanding, very exacting, and on top of that, expected me to read his mind regarding what he wants and how he wants it done. Also, very arbitrary-but that’s an aspect of his being a control freak. It keeps me on my toes, in his mind, to never know why a thing must be done in a certain way, in a certain order, when it makes no difference in which order it’s done. And it keeps me on my toes for a person who is very demanding and exacting, to expect me to know what he wants done and how he wants it done. He always has the upper hand that way, because of course I can never do anything right when there’s no rhyme or reason to how he wants it done, and never the same way twice. Then he digs at me and digs at me, why did I do it this way, etc, my reaction finally became to just say nothing, because anything I said in my defense was a reason for him to sneer and attack more, then me saying nothing became another reason for him to sneer and attack, until my only defense is to just walk away and leave the room, then he can tell all his friends how I neglect him, what a terrible “caretaker” I am.
i know how it feels to want to pack up an leave but believe it or not your spouse sometimes feels the same way. they don't want to be that burden and it hurts them just as much. my spouse has said divorce me! not in awhile but it shows that they aren't loving it either.
Thanks for the replies. It is comforting to know I'm not alone, but I hate that anyone else is going through this stuff. Today I am really having a hard time even though nothing unusual happened- just another day of focusing on his illnesses and struggles and ignoring my own. I'm feeling sorry for myself and I hate myself for that.
Reading the posts of others here caring for a sick spouse has helped me feel less guilty about my horrible thoughts of somehow finding a way out and starting over. This makes me sick to admit, but I have even thought about faking my death. I see my friends posting photos on Facebook of normal things they are doing with their spouses, like vacations, going to concerts, etc., and I am so jealous and resentful I can't stand it. I feel sorry for myself and wonder what horrible things I did to deserve the life I have now. I wonder what they did right and I did wrong. I literally have no time and do nothing for myself. It's pretty bad when I treasure my crappy hour-long rush hour commute to work in traffic because at least I get a break. I have been reading about how to disengage with love, like what they teach family members of people with drug and alcohol addiction. I think that's what I need to learn to do. I have to stop taking responsibility for his feelings and behavior and set healthy limits. But it is really hard. The guilt is overwhelming. I feel so guilty for the anger and resentment I feel. I always thought in our 50's we would be traveling and enjoying ourselves and there is none of that. Whenever I think he is finally improving enough that we can do something enjoyable, he comes up with a new problem or complaint, which leads to more Dr. appointments, tests and procedures. All my time off from work in the last 3 years (and I get a lot because I have worked for the same company for 22 years) has been for his medical appointments. This year I may actually run out of vacation time before the end of the year, and I have not used one day for anything but his needs. God, I sound so selfish for feeling like this. Am I being selfish? I don't even know or trust my own feelings anymore.
Selfish? I don’t know, is it selfish to want a chance to live the only life you get, especially when you’re already going down the other side of the hill? Maybe it is, I don’t know, but if it is, it will just have to be selfish, because no matter how I feel, I still stay here and perform my wifely duties. And no, he wouldn’t do the same for me, and I have the proof of a track record to know this for a fact. He would take good material care of me, that’s true, but he would most definitely hire outside help to deal with me. It’s what he’s done in the past after my hysterectomy and my back surgery, because I have no family in this state, and his remaining family at the time were his brothers. He has left to go out of town on business when I had fever, puking my guts out, and a headache I never hope to feel again.
So, whatever, if my feelings are selfish. No matter how I feel, I’m here, doing what a “good wife” does to the best of my ability, and he wouldn’t allow it to be anyone except me.
My belief is that it doesn’t matter if I sometimes have selfish feelings, as long as I don’t take them out on him, because no matter how I may feel, I still stay here and do what is right. It is the right thing to do for me to take care of him, no matter that he wouldn’t do the same if the script was flipped (I mean, as I said before, he wouldn’t personally sit and “hold my hand”, he’d hire help. That’s probably just as well, he‘d make a terrible caretaker. I mean, he’d make sure that I ate, he’d do anything he could to alleviate any pain, but he’d never be able to take any “touchy-feely” stuff, talking about feelings, etc).
i too don't get to take time off for vacations anymore. My vacation times and if any sick time is taken by me staying home because i am sick and exhausted or for him. i learn to appreciate what i have but it does take time to not do self destroying thinking. it really helps. sometimes noise or music in the background of things i'm doing helps me not start the negative thinking anymore.
you aren't a bad person for thinking of these things however, you can try counseling for yourself. they are professionals and they do work and it's confidential.
Hi, I am reading all your threads and really empathizing with you. I am in my fifth year of caregiving in my home for someone who is not a relative but a friend. who is in stage 7 dementia. Took care of her needs for several years before she moved in. She has been on and off hospice 3 times and discharged because she is not dying on their schedule. Yes, we do need to be selfish at times. I have been fortunate to send her off for respite care several times a year, but if Medicare isn't involved, it is out of pocket at $200+ a day. I will share that it is definitely harder if your loved one is a relative as opposed to a friend. I don't think I could have done this for my Mom or Dad. I read lots of caregiver advice online, and I think most of it is overly simplistic and doesn't address our real issues. This forum is a great tool. Rest assured, you are not alone. There are no easy answers. However, running away for a "fresh start" will only bring guilt upon you later. Stick with it, you are doing God's work on earth.
Hello. i feel for you. i have gone thru the exact same thing. My spouse was put on dialysis over 5 years ago and he had to stop working because of it. he spends 3 days a week over 4 hours a day there. He felt hopeless and was going stir crazy over being home so much. Like you i have a full time job and commute about 2.5 hours a day 5 days a week.
After a lot of arguments like the example you gave plus complaining about me going out after work w/ friends to release some steam i thought there was no winning w/ him. i invite him out and he cancels on me regularly yet i am selfish about going out w/ girlfriends.
We got into couples counseling at our church which was 12 sessions of pure bliss of correcting a bunch of things we were both doing wrong to each other. it was intense learning about ways to talk to one another. i have to say it felt like a college course i was taking because of the homework but it was well worth the time. we built communication skills so when we get to our worse points we aren't taking it out on each other.
i hope this helps.