Where did my love go?

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Al_T
Where did my love go?

Where did my love go?

I met my wife and best friend 16 years ago. She was an intelligent, compassionate, attractive bundle of inspiration with a heart of pure gold.There was nothing that she would let stand in her way, no one that she wouldn't go out of her way to help if she could. I really loved that about her! How lucky I was to find such a great friend! I would do anything for her.

She was almost totally blind when we met. But I grew up in a great home with two great parents that also had poor vision so I was no stranger to the blind community. We quickly became the best of friends, spent hours just talking, went for walks while holding hands, and eventually so much more. She was my world, she was my inspiration, she was my everything.

She suffered from diabetes and seizures; yet I only ever witnessed one grand mal seizure. It scared me so much that I literally prayed to God to take them away as I knew it was the one thing that I didn't know how to deal with. Thank the Lord, he heard my prayers and she has never had another seizure again.

We dated for 5 years before I proposed and we were married that summer. That was the happiest day of my life. We had 2 years of newlywed bliss.

Then the roof of my dream life started to come down. Her kidneys were failing and she would need a transplant.

Luckily I turned out to be a good enough match that she could have one of my kidneys. Without question I said, of course she could have one of my kidneys! What would I not give up to keep my best friend and partner with me?

The kidney transplant was a success and some time later followed a successful pancreas transplant for the diabetes. The promise of no more insulin needles and a strong healthy kidney was the perfect fix for what looked like a little bump in our quality of life. Just a little test of our commitment to each other.

Unfortunately, from there it has been one problem after another. Too many bouts of pneumonia to count. One Infection after another, blood tests, doctor visits, drug interactions, side effects, and dozens and dozens of long, lonely, stressful hospital stays.

I have literally lost my best friend and partner to her many health problems. Which now includes blindness, diabetes, severe edema, infertility, migraines, asthma, renal failure, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, atrial fib, severe nerve damage, severe weight gain, constant infections, sleep apnea, diminished lung capacity, arthritis, fibromyalgia, bladder problems, and gastroparesis.

The relationship which was once filled with normal daily life, wonderful romance, intimacy, dreams and hopes for the future, dreams of having children together, and the dream of growing old and happy together is now a constant daily grind of checking to see if she is ok or needs help, ordering and picking up medications from the store, traveling back and forth to doctors, hospitals and rehab centers, finding a friend or a family member (that can drive) to take her to a doctor when I can't get away from work, pushing a wheelchair, setting up oxygen, setting up a multitude of pills, ointments, inhalers, cpap machines, administering feeding tubes, iv's, dealing with doctors, nurses, nurses aids, rehab facilities and the insurance companies, doing all of the finances, all of the cleaning, all of the laundry, all of the grocery shopping, all of the cooking, feeding the pets, doing all of the household chores, constantly catering to her every need on top of working a full time job to pay for the constant barrage of outrageous medical bills and to keep a roof over our heads.

The person that I loved so much and wanted to spend the rest of my life with is now no longer with me, someone or something took her from me a long time ago when I wasn't looking. All I have left are a few pictures to remind me of a time when we were happy. In her place I was given another person to take care of. Someone that on rare occasions resembles the wonderful friend and partner that I loved and miss so much. But the passion is gone. No intimacy. No cuddling on the couch to watch our favorite movies or to listen to our favorite audiobooks. No saturday nights out. No holding hands as we walk together. No sharing of dreams. No romantic slow dancing to our favorite songs. No children to raise together. No hopes of ever having a son to carry on my name. No hopes of a daughter to pamper and love. No holidays with family to look forward to, No grandchildren to spoil someday.

Yes, I'm still dedicated to taking care of her. Yes, I will do my best to make her happy and comfortable. Yes, I know that none of this has been her fault, and Yes, there is still a kind of love there, but the depression, pain, fatigue, feelings of being overwhelmed, loneliness, and the need to feel real love again are never ending for me. I can't move on, I can't abandon her, and I can't get free. As I said, I would do anything for her.

What happened to my life?
What happened to my hopes and dreams?
Why do I feel so empty?
How long can I keep this up?
What did I do to deserve this?
What did she do to deserve this?
Why do I feel so guilty?
Why do I feel so alone?
Who do I have for me?
Where did my love go?

AT

I really do know how you feel

I really do know how you feel. After an abusive first marriage, I thought I had finally found true happiness when my husband came along. He courted me & won me over. I was treated like a queen and happily married him in 2002. Love was wonderful until all the health issues attacked. First, it was injuries that required surgeries. Then total disability involving his spine. Now, mental illness has crept in. So, I know the roll of handling meds, doctors, hospitalizations, checking in all the time while trying to work. The man that I fell in love with has been stolen from me. I grieve for him, and have trouble recognizing the person who knows occupies his chair.

I wish I had more answers. I

I wish I had more answers. I can only say that I understand, though I am sure that is small comfort. You are doing a good thing, and you will be rewarded. I am sorry you must deal with all that.

I also feel so much for you.

I also feel so much for you. I am going to the same thing. My boyfriend of three years collapsed last April. He has an inoperable brain tumor. I can truly say that I feel the same way as you are feeling now. Although my boyfriend is with me. I cry almost every night; every morning with memories running through my head about the great times we shared together. We even had plans of marriage. But, I don't think that'll ever happen. Hang in there and know that you are giving so much love to your loved one.

I believe that this thread

I believe that this thread echoes a lot of the sentiments of many of us who are caring for a spouse. Nice to hear someone finally verbalize it. I have felt guilty for feeling it for a while now.

I also understand and

I also understand and struggle with guilt for feeling this way. My husband is a quadriplegic and has been in a chair for ten years. It's lonley and hard. I miss being touched and the intimacy. It's tiring being the hands of two people.

My own depression is the

My own depression is the hardest thing to deal with. I love her with all of my heart. I just wish there were more support for those of us that are in this situation. Thank you all for your words of encouragement it means so much! I hope and pray that you all find happiness in your relationships. Savor and cherish every good moment, every smile, every laugh and especially every wonderful hug! These are what keep me going everyday. Never give up no matter how bad things seem to be, trust me it could be worse. There are plenty of people that are worse off than us. I will pray for every one of you! Thank you Hummingbird, Mike1w, Carolyn, Ivhc, and Flyinggypsy.

AL